December 2000
This post occurred as part of an alt.polyamory discussion on gender stereotypes and how well various folk felt that such stereotypes did or didn't fit their own ways of being.
One of the things about online interaction that I take great delight in is that I can interact with people as me. I often suspect that in rl many folk who I am attempting to interact with are in reality talking to an image they've conjured out of their own heads based on assumptions and stereotypes, rather than any aspect of me that I'd like them to deal with. This is most true of folk who don't know me well (and my mother) but it's hard to get close to someone when they're not seeing me, so it can be quite a pain.
And even if I'm not trying to get to know someone but am just attempt to interact with them about some specific issue, dealing with their assumptions can be quite a trial. It is an utterly infuriating experience to try to hire someone to perform a particular task and have them refuse to speak to you in anything but a condescending and patronising tone, because they are assuming from your vocal characteristics over the phone that not only are you completely ignorant of the matter under discussion, but it is not worth their time and bother to come and investigate the issue further. That happened repeatedly to me recently, and by the end of the day I had not only given up on trying to find someone to deal with the problem in question, but I was ready to bring out the rocket launchers and go on a rampage! Not happy.
But apart from specific situations like the one mentioned, I do find that it can often be quite a trial having to deal with other folk's expectations of me based on my physical sex. I get a little tired of being regarded as one might view a dancing bear whenever I do something outside of the norms for my sex. And on the other hand, when I do stuff that conforms to assumptions about my sex, there are folk who take smug delight in noting that I'm being "normal" for a change. Sometimes I just wanna do stuff, not be seen as a walking exemplar of gender politics. If one day I want to pull my motorcycle to bits and try to get it working better, and the next day I want to spend my time making a fancy garment of some sort, it doesn't mean I'm trying to make any kind of statement at all. I'm just being. Deal with it.
There are aspects of me that fit the standard male stereotype, such as a delight in gadgets, tools and geekery, fondness for things that go fast, and design/style preferences that are strongly oriented toward usability over aesthetics (though the best designs are those that combine the two without loss of either, IMHO). I can be very intensely goal-directed when I'm working on a project that has my attention (the terms "driven" and "obsessive" have often been used about me by others), and sometimes when I'm in the grip of a major enthusiasm I'll just charge on through with the current project in my sights, and everything else will be ignored.
There are aspects of me that fit the standard female stereotype, such as emotional sensitivity, empathy, and a preference for consensus and group-building rather than competition. I'm very likely to look for solutions to problems that involve all participants getting what they want and nobody losing face, rather than one person getting what they want and everyone else dealing with it.
And there are aspects of me that don't fit neatly into gender stereotypes at all, such my strongly territorial nature, my wildly variable levels of sociability (I oscillate between happy hermitude and gregariousness), and my tendency to Organise stuff (not that it stays Organised for long, but that's another story).
When I'm online, I can paint an image of me that brings the aspects I'd like folk to deal with to the fore. Since I'm presenting verbally rather than physically here, I don't have to fight my way past the assumptions based on my physical sex that I often encounter when interacting in real life - I can show bits of me that matter straight away if I so choose, rather than having to contradict all those stereotypes and assumptions before some of those bits of me will be perceived.
The nett effect of this is that I think that the "me" that shows up in fora like this is much more real than the persona a face-to-face acquaintance might see, a much better reflection of the aspects of myself that are important to me. And I like that. A lot.