March 2001
This is part of an ongoing conversation I had with one alt.polyamory regular, on the subject of whether it is better to be ruled by one's heart or one's head. As should be fairly evident from my responses, I consider it to be a false dichotomy. I've renamed the other party to this discussion "Fred", for anonymity.
Fred:
I see little value in closely analysing different aspects of relationships, or using specific terms to describe different relationship forms. I prefer to just see where events take me.
Me:
I think about them in terms of attempting to describe (with varying degrees of success) what is, rather than using them in any prescriptive sort of sense (eg "we do X style of poly, so that means we really ought to...."). And as with most things, I find that attempting to discuss stuff clearly enough to communicate the details often clarifies aspects of the subject matter in my own mind. Consequently, aiming for precision in description is a useful exercise, I find.
Fred:
What is there, other than love? The intellectual structures you describe mean nothing to me. They seem unreal.
Me:
Whereas to me, my "intellectual structures" are very real. I use them as tools to help me understand my world. And as such, they are always under revision and adjustment, always being updated to reflect ongoing observations and discoveries about myself and the world I live in. I suspect (although I don't know) that you probably draw a separation between the life of the mind and the life of the heart, and feel that it is necessary to choose one or the other. I, on the other hand, have long known that I can live most fully only when I partake of both - not privileging one over the other, but yoking them in tandem and gaining strength thereby.
Fred:
What I'm not seeing here is passion.
Me:
True. I wasn't talking about passion, per se. That's a slightly different issue, to me... If I made major decisions in my life solely based on my passions, my life would be very different, and not for the better. I believe that good decisions take ones passions into account, but are not solely dictated by them.
Fred:
Yes, I do see. Most of my major decisions have been based on passion. Some outcomes were as I would have wished, others were not. But at least I never grieve for what might have been, if only I'd let passion lead me.
Me:
What you fail to understand, Grasshopper, is that it is not and never needs to be a choice between passion and intellect. They are two sides of a coin, yin and yang. Passion is the "why" and intellect is the "how". I think that a great deal of unhappiness can be avoided on one's life by balancing them.
If I made a decision solely on passion, without thought, then I'd be like a moth gravitating to a candle flame. Lots of fire and brightness, but fundamentally self-destructive. On the other hand, how can one truly and honestly make a decision that has no hint of one's emotions in? All decisions come down to a choice, by definition; and when one uses thought to investigate one's options, such weighing up of the options as is required to make that decision will still proceed from one's preferences, wishes and values (ie emotions), however much one may wish to obscure the fact and pretend that one is being "logical". Logic can't determine the values of various options; at some point, it all comes back to emotion, to passion.
It's not a dichotomy. It never has been, despite the rhetoric of some (IMHO) misguided individuals.
Fred:
I see no point in not living according to one's passions. Analysis of them is pointless... just live them!
Me:
Whereas I find it essential to analyse them. I have found it far too easy to get caught up in the storms of emotion that can occur in some situations, and I find that I make much better decisions - better for me, better for those in my life - if I can take a step back, and consider the emotional reactions as a factor to be considered with other factors, rather than letting them set the agenda.
Fred:
Maybe it can work, but what do you gain from it?
Me:
Balance. The ability to see the longterm consequences as well as the here-and-now. The ability to get past short-term flares of passion and to incorporate my deeper values into a decision. The knowledge that I can allow myself to feel my passions fully and truly without fearing for the consequences, since I know that I have the skills to deal with the fallout without damaging my relationships with those who matter to me. The ability to have faith in the longterm sustainability of my relationships, come what may, since I know that my "intellectual structures" provide stability to counterbalance the passing storms of my cyclonic emotions.
Make no mistake - the discussion is not the discussed. I can discuss passion of the sort that takes my breath away in calm, analytical terms, all the while taking delight in both modes of being at the same time. And I frequently do.