What characteristics do I want in a partner?


December 2000

A discussion occurred on alt.polyamory where various posters offered lists of characteristics that they found desirable in a potential partner. Here's my contribution to that thread.

This is an interesting question. For me, it depends a bit on the circumstances. There are characteristics that I need to have in a partner who I'm living with that are probably not so critical to have in someone who I'm not living with... but since it's hard to figure out in advance what sort of relationship one is going to have with someone, I'll list characteristics I'd hope for in a live-in primary-type relationship.

NON-NEGOTIABLE ESSENTIALS

First and foremost, the thing that is likely to make me think "hmmm, this person's worth getting closer to" is a high level of mental compatibility. There's a certain kind of curiosity about the world, combined with a particular kind of analytical "lets see how this works" attitude that will get my attention every time. It's a special flavour of geekitude that's more to do with attitude than knowledge, and if someone doesn't have that then I'm unlikely to consider them in a romantic sense, simply because that sort of curiosity about the world and its workings is a pretty fundamental part of how I interact with the world. If someone doesn't have that then we're probably not going to find enough other stuff in common to make a relationship terribly likely.

Willingness to communicate clearly about emotional matters, and either the ability to do so or a willingness to learn how, along with a problem-solving attitude to relationship issues rather than a drama-queen approach.

Intelligence comparable to my own - I can't see myself being comfortable long-term with someone who I'm either always having to simplify and explain stuff for, or who has to do the same for me.

Respect for my space, in the broadest sense. I'm highly territorial (fiddle with my 'puter settings without permission and you'll find out how territorial!), and very independent (some would say bloody-minded). I need folk who can respect my way of doing things and not try to get me to change what I do "because their way is better". This is something I often run into, since my way of doing stuff is often a little idiosyncratic; and while I'm willing to be persuaded by the virtues of someone else's way of doing things, it has to be my choice - I won't tolerate being nagged, cajoled, hassled or lectured.

A positive attitude to life, and the ability to take responsibility for their own actions and reactions. I like being supportive and encouraging, but I'm not my partner's mother. Providing full-time mood-maintenance for a partner is tiring, and I'd rather not have to do it all the time. And in the same vein, a partner has to be willing to pull their own weight with respect to household maintenance responsibilities (housework, bill paying, cooking, budgeting etc). I am happy being general coordinator if it is so agreed, but it is also good to know that if I forget to pay the gas bill then there's a reasonable chance that someone else will do so.

Compassion, empathy, a sensitivity to others. And especially, an awareness that everyone sees the world through different eyes, and that it isn't always about being right or wrong, better or worse. I suppose that ties in with tolerance of diversity in the broadest sense. Ethics that are compatible with mine probably fit into this basket, since most of them (beyond such stuff as honesty and truthfulness and so on, which are no-brainers) have a lot do with acceptance of difference along with community-building and so forth.

A strong sense of honour and personal integrity. This is hard to define concisely, but relates to a person having thought about what they consider to be important and being willing to stick to it and defend it. While the specifics may vary, it's definitely one of those "I know it when I see it" things.

A strong sense of self. If someone's unable or unwilling to maintain their convictions in the face of disagreement I would find them difficult to live with, since on a day to day level I can sometimes be rather cranky and irritable. They really need to be sure enough of themselves to be able to accept that I can be argumentative without it being an attack on them personally (since in fact it's often more a response to pain or fatigue). I also feel more comfortable knowing that if I push, they'll push back rather than crumbling or getting upset. I prefer relationships based on the sort of trust that allows me to be myself (pushy, cranky and opinionated) free in the knowledge that if I push too hard they'll be quite comfy with telling me where to get off!

A well-developed sense of humour, or at the very least the ability to appreciate mine :-) I enjoy playfulness and silliness and wordplay in particular. Joi de vivre. I'm a big fan of it.

They need to be able to accept my polyamory and my bisexuality. This is really part of the whole "tolerance of diversity" thing, but because it's particularly critical I'll give it's own paragraph. I don't know how I'd go with someone who was mono but accepting of my poly-nature, but I think I'd be more comfortable if they were poly themselves.

Willingness to accept my tendency to turn my house into a menagerie. Coz it's going to happen.

They've got to be a non-smoker, since I'm allergic to tobacco.

NON-ESSENTIAL NICE STUFF

'Puter geek. Nearly all of my sweeties and partners have been techies of one flavour or another. (I think I'm in a rut.) At the very least, if not a computer geek, then a geek of some sort or another.

Wiilingness to try new stuff from time to time, along with new things to teach me. Hmmm. The willingness to try new stuff one comes perilously close to being a non-negotiable, on second thoughts...I think I'd find living with someone who refused to do new things at all very frustrating over the long term. Ideally they'd have the same sort of "wotthehell, lets give it a go and see what happens" attitude that I do, tempered with at least little bit of common sense... but I'm willing to negotiate on the details of this one, certainly.

Political views that are compatible with mine. I put this in the non-essential category since anyone who's ethics are compatible with mine will probably have very well thought out reasons for their political views, and I can certainly live with differences of that sort as long as theirs are defensible from positions that I can understand and relate to.

Appreciation of SF, and of books in general. I've yet to have a sweetie who doesn't have this attribute, but that's more by fluke than by active decision. I think it's very strongly correlated with the general geekitude I favour.

I'm sure there are heaps of other things, but in the interest of brevity (hah!) I'll stop here.


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